perspicacious....

~ if i'm addicted to loving you, and you're addicted to my love too, we can be them to birds of a feather, that flock together ~

i can't write
not today
not right now
not with these thoughts in my head still
would there ever be an ending to this?

oh, please tell me there will be
it may make me smile
but the onion effect helps to no extent
for there is a difference
between the watery and the solid
and everything in between

i used to be a strong proponent
"there is a great wall of china
between love and hate"
but it took me this long to realise that there are doors
and the walls held up by blood
as well as sweat and tears
when will it all end?

I listen to you speak
i cannot utter a single word in response
if it can overwhelm even your feelings
what chance do words have?
you may say music says it all
but do we sing the same tune?
when the tune of love differs even within me?

the pinnacle is there
but so are the eggshells
what would my choice be
i can never tell
when noone wins and noone loses
do we still have to play this game?

so i stand here, utterly speechless
trying hard to keep all of it in
but what's the point?
if it's like a volcano already....

one last word then... before this is over....
to let you know why this is still going on
when i see you, i smile
because you are happy
and that's all that matters ....

perspective is a beautiful thing....

~ gravity is not responsible for people falling in love ~

I haven't posted in ages... but that's just coz there are waaay too many...complications, shall we call it.? ....

and it's not right to find sense anywhere else, till the complications do....

so maybe i'l stop here tonight as well...

and maybe 2moro it'll be all better?

:)

into the blue....

okay, so I don't post up lyrics much.... I mean, I didn't exactly write them now did I?
*ponders* (maybe I should start posting more.. after all, they are awesome....)

but that's NOT the point now :
the following lyrics are from sara jackson, into the blue.
Never heard of her before, but it was played at the ending of the last episode of season 2 of castle.... *can't wait for season 3*

but despite the emotional turmoil in the show, I was still pulled towards the words... well, you can imagine..... anyway, just......breathe it in and you'll see what it does to you :))

.....45 seconds later.....

haha... i dunno how to copy the lyrics in.... and typing is.... a pain... when i gotta keep switching tabs.... i should probably just link the video first.... argh... never mind...

*starts painstakingly typing*

if only if only i coulda been yours
been your rapport and yours to adore
if only if only i would've said yes
forgotten the rest, oh i could've said yes
if only if only you'd ask me again
I'd give you my hand
let you take me
across the sand

into the blue
and faded world of my daydreams
I feel i'm falling deeper everyday
melting away down a dark and endless abyss
I'm grasping at straws and I'm chasing the wind
as i fall on my face over and over again

if only if only i had the luxury of retrospect
sounds like you're speaking some sort of foreign dialect
if only something as precious as time had a price
instead of endlessly taking its toll on my soul
oh, so many if onlys running through my mind
what ifs and storybook endings time after time
if only if only you could've been mine
i'd take you

into the blue
and faded world of my daydreams
I feel I'm falling deeper everyday
melting away down a dark and endless abyss
I'm grasping at straws and I'm chasing the world
As I fall on my face over and over again

~ because in the end, it's you that I want to look up to and smile at ~

Glosses on glasses...

and said Barney Stinson :
~ let me teach you how to live ~

Today we were to write down our goals, coz apparently with goals, we know what we want, and then we'll know how we are to get there, and only then will we be getting there... yada yada yada....
not that i have a problem with the system, i mean, it makes perfect sense and everything.
but if it were true : wait for it.... i'm like the underachiever of the century

goals goals goals... not only was our teacher making fun out of setting up goal posts, my brain resembled it to. it looked like it had perfect frame, but it was substantiated by net. so anything as fluid as thoughts flowed right throughout. even the most viscous ones.... because i realised my goal, was pretty simple.
let's try and make it simpler by breaking my life into two parts; the dream state (which honestly, i spend about 17 hours a day in, but for simplicity's sake, lets only count the time when i'm actually sleeping) and the waking state.

Dream state : If I wake up on the day, and despite nightmares or airport dreams, i smile, there you go, goal achieved.

Waking state : If i can go to sleep at night, but right before that splash of water onto the face and the capping of the toothpaste tub, if i can smile and mean it, en voila.

Why can't everything be this simple? and why is this not goal enough for the school? is being mediocre really that bad? everyone's completely blissful when being mediocre, really. it's just that the difference comes in when different ppl have different level of mediocrity, and yet, we are expected to equalise the playing field. WHY? I mean, don't get me wrong and everything, i think it's wonderful that ppl push themselves, it's wonderful that there are millions of awesome ppl out there... but someone just yesterday told me, and then made me feel stupid, coz well, it's like the most obvious things out there : there's like 7 billion ppl out there. whatever you end up doing, chances are, someone somewhere have already done it, is currently doing it, or will do it soon. It's that simple.

So why the yardstick? proposed by someone (probably a really smart someone too) that humans need something to spur them into action. without that subconscious knocking against the glass door, ready to break it into shards small enough to pass through vessels and still leave it unscathed, without someone holding a hammer and liquid nitrogen with a sinister smile on their face, or without that dog on the other side really wanting to take a walk, we are settled. and unperturbed. and going to do nothing about it. LITERALLY NOTHING (i'm begging you, please don't take into account that breathing and stupid vital stuffs that don't help me prove my point, :P )

*pauses*
wait, what's my point again?

Okay, i don't know. but that's besides the point.
so follow this :

1) smile
2) grin, dude
3) oh, show your freakin teeth already, what you haven't brushed in eons or something?
4) now make a retarded face
5) laugh, loudly
6) do exactly what you want to do
7) understand that being responsible is not equal to being serious :))
8) please get back to work so that your bosses or teachers don't come running after me ;)


and that's it!!! step by step guide to..... earning weird stares from everyone around you....
if you didn't, either you're alone (are we ever, really?) or get the heck outta wherever you are, coz the ppl around YOU are creeping ME out ...

bottom-line : smile, be happy, be blissful, and please dear god, get some sleep :))

P.P.S. hugs to the girl (kinda scared she'll kill me if i mention her name....hehe) who's one of the most optimistic person i've met here <3

~seriousness is giving unnecessary importance to something, at the cost of everything else~

in the end....

It's all good in life at the end of it all?
and you know why? because we say so. because we have faith that it is so. and because, even when it isn't, there's this tiny sliver of hope, that says, maybe it will be all the more better the next day.

optimism is a beautiful and apparently now rare thing... :
it should not be rare.... coz it's the only thing that torches the dying flame in our heart, when the aortic pump is running out of fuel...
the only thing that provides o2 to our brain, not because it can, but because we think it can
and it is the ONLY thing... that keeps the universe from collapsing upon itself, to reform the blackhole that was once present,
before optimism met pessimism and said, hey, wth,i'm gonna kick you in the ass, and be done with it.

let's keep the same spirits up :))
now more than ever.

The grey areas of a whiteboard...

I should get like one of those really hip, totally huge white boards
then hang it like beside my bed... with like this holder that holds on to like 6 different coloured markers, and probably dozens of magnets to stick papers and stuff for the fun of it
i mean, i don't have those boards that you can pin things on, which, btw, serves only one purpose, this will like serve a million and one purposes. For the price of one.

Of course, maybe it seems absurd for a student to want that kind of board, especially in an age where we're supposed to blatantly hate studying and basically any form of education (okay, maybe i'm stereotyping, but if you can point out like one student who never had the urge to throw all the books away and have fun, i'll probably be able to point out a star that's closer to earth than the sun) I mean, even sheldon in all his almightyness, had halo nights, countless hours manipulating Mario and planning the doom of Leonard-Penny relationships. but let's see :

House has a board
Castle has a board
Sheldon has a board
Leonard has a board
Gideon had a board
Tony had McGee's face to write all over
Brennan had Angela and all her technology
Gibbs, well Gibbs had a boat ( but that pretty much rhymes with board - if you're tone-deaf - and he's too awesome anyway )

SO why not me?
Idiosyncrasies and swooning over what can never be aside, a board seems like a really good idea for countless reasons.... It helps you pen down literally all your thoughts no matter what time it is, and once you're used to writing in the dark - and it's not like anyone's gonna complain about your handwriting since technically it's ALL YOURS - even your dreams and nightmares. There almost never will be a time when you'll have to stoop to the norm and say "you know, i thought about it a while ago, but i totally forgot what it is that i'm thinking about"

Besides, sometimes you need some chaos before order is an option, you know. if there's only order, that would be a chaotic one, and we all know what happens when complete chaos set in. Let's just say, nothing good. SO maybe, just maybe, multicoloured scribbles on the whiteboard that's so huge it may just be a wall with the addition of papers stuck everywhere on it, would be..... aesthetically pleasing.

And then there's the obvious reason : to provide a long-lasting marathon of the imagination. My first idea was actually to hang a long clothesline across the room before clipping different papers of different size on it, but imagine walking to a toilet in the dark. With that. Across the room. Thin and razor sharp. Makes saw look like a kiddy playground. Hmmm... that's an idea, but not a very good one. Coz it affects ppl. Me. and I am vital. to me. okay. not. making. sense. but. have. ideas. for. NEW nightmares.

But then, who ever uses it for what they say they are gonna use it for right?
So maybe it will just be another excuse for me to procrastinate, doodle non-stop, and in some way or other let art down in more ways than one.

But what the heck, i still wanna have it. always wanted one. never figured why, it was like this childhood obsession, then i got a small board for my room before realising small boards are stupid becoz if you are doodling, you have to keep erasing them off, and that's not the point of doodling. Doodling freaking gives you ideas. You don't wanna erase your ideas off a board, especially not when it's already out of subconscious which means, the chances of you delivering it out consciously ... would be harder, if not more painful, than labour. NOT that i have any experience in that sense.

Oh, for the perils of the board, and the people who look awesomely cool writing desperately important stuff on it. *swoons* well, as long as they are not boring, of course... haha... i'm not making any sense anymore.

as usual, when i stop making sense, i stop writing, though my friend holds this believe that that point is moot, because apparently, if that principle were to be true, i should NEVER write. Ah, what's life if I'm not pulling her pigtails,or braids, huh? :))

~singing off with a dilemma on what to do with the 2 buttons that left the rest. any thoughts?~

the secret ......

you wanna know why is it that life is wonderful?
it's coz you're in it...
it's coz of everyone else that you know who's in it
it's coz of ppl you know but hate and thus make you appreciate ppl you love
and it's coz of the rest of the world you're oblivious to that makes the ppl you know stand out like shining stars
if there is no dark sky, when can we ever enjoy the stars without the blazing heat
i mean, imagine like millions of stars as close t earth as planet. physically impossible as it is, if you do assume that such a condition can exist without making us extinct... it would be like insufferably hot.... which i do not think is.... nice.....

okay, so maybe i'm not making sense, but i'm writing this like in the middle of nowhere, like worse off nowhere compared to my other entries and it's like, when i'm supposed to be sleeping.
SO why am I writing instead of sleeping? because i can (:

simple right? maybe that's the point... i mean, i don't have to be a weatherman to know that the sky is blue right? i mean, okay.... i need to have like the basic concepts of colours, be non-blind or non-colour-blind.. and must not be blinded by all the hypothetical so-close-to-earth-stars i just made up.....

you know what? i'm downgrading my own writing to mere ridicule that would cause even me to view it with contempt, and so i'm signing off. NOW.

and why am i okay with being subjected to ridicule?
because when someone's waiting, you don't keep them that way for long....
especially not YOU :)

and the secret? well, there's nothing much, really, if you can't look past the previous lines .... :/

It's been long, huh?

Okay, so i haven't blogged, in like ages....
honestly i don't even know why.... mayb coz there are other stuff to be done, maybe coz my priorities aren't set straight... but a few das ago, perhaps later than necessary, i realised, i NEED to blog :S

i mean, it's not about what, you say, it's not even about how you say it, it's just about.. letting it all flow out... it's taking a step back from thinking, instead of knowing what you are saying, letting the subconscious simply take hold of the fingers, with no mind or any other form of ego come into place.

It's about getting to know the real you.......

Or maybe, it's just to crap all the bullshit out of you, so that when you go to school the next day, the brain's not as fuzzy as fuzzy wuzzy and his likes and dislikes, but instead as clear as crystals, empty enough to let anything and everything flow through you, capturing what is vital for you to shine and sparkle and well, be yourself, while letting the grime and the dirt, pass on, leaving you not just unscathed, but refined as well.

(yes, if GP's not letting me write lame stuff on the exam paper, i'm just gonna have to find another outlet, now don't i? (: )

So I just came back from camp, and besides being astounded by my lack of activeness ( okay, maybe not astounded, i mean, i don't even run a LITTLE till i came to Singapore, and my best distance has always been 2.4km) , it was a calling... one i am hoping i have to guts to respond to... but other than that, i owe it all to my friends and the seniors for being awesome, understanding, and showing me who i can be, given the chance. Enjoyed all the jungle walks ( yeah, it reminded me so much of Malaysia i was actually more fond of it than anything, NOT that i'm saying M'sia is hulu, it's just more preserved, and you can literally feel the cells soaking up O2 after that long run, so awesome timing, seniors :)) ) and the sea trainings :)

Yeah, okay, exhausted as hell wif loadsa hw to be done within the next 5 hours ( yeah, i still sleep at 10, problem? ) but i can't stop smiling. because the hardship was worth it. was worth EVERYTHING.

Mushyness aside, i think i heard from somewhere Osama is dead, have no idea if it's true, but i am hoping so... for then loadsa people will begin to sleep well again.

and i think that's it for today, for i have laundry to collect, prep for PT and lessons 2moro, and most importantly.... Cookie Crisp to school :D

~ The greatest mistake ever made by men is being afraid to make one ~

P.S. You disappointed me that day, after so long of always being there for me and I only hope you had a jolly good reason for it. If you aren't there 2moro, guess we both know what that means :(